Tuesday, March 29, 2016

This is basically a status update, but yeah.

Me for 8 years.
Butthurt that my family doesn't read my blog. 

My mom reads my blog.
everything is so sad!  are you ok? 

well played, universe.


Tuesday, March 01, 2016

My husband was listening to this song this weekend, and it caught my attention. Something about it just stirs up Feelings.

It has been six years, and I still miss Oregon. No, I'm not talking about my ex, we are both happily re-married and facebook friendly. I'm talking about the breathtakingly gorgeous place I used to call home for a handful of years. I lived in Southern Oregon...and even during November when it would rain all day every day, I was in love with the beauty of it all. I had a creek in my backyard, trees and flowers and LIFE everywhere. I belong somewhere green.

My family moved from Dallas to Las Vegas when I was 3 1/2, and I don't really remember a time that I haven't wanted to live somewhere with seasons.

When I moved back in 2010, the plan was to live in Vegas for a couple years and then get to Portland, which I visited and immediately worshiped  Then- I fell in love, got a good job and cut to today. Where I still pine for big, tall trees with wet leaves against my windows and flowers growing despite my serious lack of green thumb. "People" say that the desert is beautiful too. Yeah, no. The only salvage Las Vegas has is that it is surrounded by mountains and those are beautiful. Otherwise, dirt and rocks don't do it for me.

I don't know when, or how, but I need to get back.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

with all my might

my words can be soft, 
and delicate.
enveloping you 
in their stunning sweetness.

or they can sting
finding the weak spots
reminders of
a sorrowful past. 

you are not perfect.
I am not perfect. 

this love,
can see through any flaw. 
it doesn't need anything
but you and i. 

that is perfection.

i love with all my might.
for you 
with you. 


This was written for the "Language of Love" link up/contest which you can see Here

Thursday, February 11, 2016

*Takes a deep breath*

The last couple months have hurt.

Things are -slowly- getting better. Life is starting to make sense again. But, damn, the angst has left me tattered and changed.

I'm sure once the dust has settled, I will be able to look back and think of it all as a "life lesson".

Guess what? Life lessons are a nice way to phrase a whole lot of terribleness (of your own doing) getting thrown at you all at once. When a big event happens in life and changes things, it seems like your whole world falls like dominoes as you scramble to pick up the pieces of what life used to be. Usually with tears and a depressing Spotify playlist accompanying.

Uncertainty is not a place I do well. January was a month of shoving that in my face-- saying "ohhhh, you're still a control freak Mrs. I'msomindfulandwise." Lots of panic attacks. A lot of questioning who I am and what I want in life.

Maybe this chaos and pain are guiding my way to accomplishing things I've wanted for many years. Maybe I'll look back at this post and think "oh, and look what happened next!".

Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Word for 2016.

When I wrote my last post, I began to seriously ponder what I was going to choose for 2016. I narrowed it down to three options; Thoughtful, Inspired and Joyful. All of these are great words. I wrote them on a tiny little post-it note and put that on the back of my cell phone so that I would keep seeing these words and find the one that most resonated with me.  

I'm currently recovering from a stomach bug and woke up to a quiet house and time on my hands. I read a little bit, and then I started to think that if none of those words were sticking out by this point it was time to find something else. I went to thesaurus.com to go word hunting, as you do. 

After some time, I found it: 

(se-ren'i-ty) noun;
1. The condition or quality of being serene; clearness and calmness; quietness; 
stillness; peace. 
2. Calmness of mind; evenness of temper; an undisturbed state; coolness. 
[another definition I found and liked Here]

Yes. Exactly. I saw the word, and the definition, and it clicked. Pinterest gave me some pretty, inspiring pictures and there you have it.  Serenity is staying calm through the chaos, of going inward and finding peace of mind there rather than through an outside source. Accepting myself and life for what it is, rather than living in an anxious state because I want to control all the things. 

Happy New Year to you all, I hope 2016 brings you peace and happiness. 

Monday, December 28, 2015

Reflections on a bumpy year.

Two Thousand Fifteen is coming to an end-- what a year it has been!

Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, this year has been half amazing and half miserable. I spent the first half of the year excited, stressed, and filled with anticipation of my wedding and my first trip out of the country for my honeymoon. It all culminated into a lovely adventure. The rest of the year was marked with anxiety and fear, all sorts of change and a lot of circumstances that tested my need to be in control and put me face to face with some of my least desirable character traits.

I'd love to say that all of the testing and obstacles thrown at me made me a better person and I conquered it all with grace and gratitude. That is simply not the case. I made it through, I'm continuing to make it through, and that is as good as it needs to be

If there was any wisdom obtained through the mess of 2015, it would be that I'm much more accepting of myself than I have been in previous years. What may have sent me into a self-loathing tailspin in years past, now, has stung but not taken me down.  My word of the year was Complete. I wanted to establish better habits and routines and maybe, for once, finish a NaNoWriMo or #100happydays [I did neither]. Instead, I did better about drinking water/tea first thing in the morning. I did better at journaling and writing for myself instead of writing for validation from an audience. I had compassion for myself, accepting my slightly flighty and definitely contrary personality trait of disliking routine. I continued on the path that is working for me regarding eating and exercise, and I had a better relationship with my body. I left a job that I held for five years (and was very comfortable), and am now working in a new field learning all sorts of new things and hopeful this was the right step.

The end of this year has been marked with some depression.  I know that it is due to transition and specific circumstances and won't be here forever. I missed the joy and excitement of the holidays, but am thankful for all of the love I have surrounding me and my family for always being there to help me through.

I'm still working on what my word of the year will be, but I have it narrowed down to 3 options. Anyone have their word yet?