Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I think I have a point...

Now that I've been 30 for 2 months, I can now start every post with "When I was in my twenties..." 


When I was in my twenties, I struggled with the idea of making friends as an adult. I failed miserably. Thankfully, I had online friends who saved me from my over-thinking, anxious self. When I was going through my divorce in late 2009, it was an internet friend who would call me and keep me distracted and thinking positively. It was my LiveJournal friends who listened to me whine and say the same things over and over again but still kept encouraging me. They have made me a better person. Those connections are real, whether they know what I sound like singing Paula Abdul in the grocery store isle or not. 

It seems as though there is a distinct difference in the way we are online versus the way we are in our day to day life, but which person is more authentic? Save the trolls and the people who only go on the internet to view facebook, the voice that we present on our blogs or on twitter is the voice we want to have. The inner voice that thinks a little more before speaking, and who can curate their image a little better. Does that mean that because we are leaving out the bad hair days and the rambling about Once Upon a Time we aren't our real selves? In "real life", do the acquaintances we have that know our coffee order and see our muffin top  in that OOTD know what we value? Do they get to understand the depth of our feelings like those who read our little internet manifestos? 

Maybe I got spoiled in my young adulthood by making those online friends, so small talking my way through a get together to hope someone might be the same weird as I am isn't so appealing. Maybe I'm weirder than I thought? [This is the moment in a movie where a montage of awkward behavior would play showing my ineptitude in making friends.]

I have some real life friends, and they are great. I value the bond that people have with a BFF who knows it all and who spends half their time on your couch. Those are the relationships that are so glorious we watch them play out on YouTube, and miss when they are gone. 

I think what I'm learning is that I can cherish all of my connections with others, without having to rank the real life vs online friends any differently. Also, that I'm much more introverted as an adult than I was as a kid, AND my bed is really, really comfy. 

Friday, July 10, 2015

I have a body and I'm talkin' about it.

In late 2013, I stopped dieting for a few reasons. The first, I had a very unhealthy relationship with that word and the actions I would take while dieting. Mostly, obsessing about food and my weight to a level that the world ended if I didn't lose at least half a pound at my weekly weigh in, and would usually end at some point 7 to 14 days after starting with a lot of bingeing and hating myself. Not a good plan, and something that needed to end.

So, because I live in a country where the economy relies on people dieting, you hear a lot of people say "No, don't DIET, you need to make a lifestyle change." Ok, that sounds great. What does that entail? Oh, downloading an app that makes you log calories, buy a fitbit and weigh in once a week? Hmm. That sure does sound like dieting. Only thing that is missing is the chicken breast heavy meal plan.

So, I made myself commit to not dieting for 6 months. That sounds weird, but I grew up (starting at a very young age) going through cycles of being on a diet or feeling guilty about not being on a diet and having very negative internal dialogue telling myself how terrible I was for not working hard enough to not be fat. I mean, I had Gastric Bypass at age 23. To live a life without dieting was completely foreign to me.

I stopped Pinning diet plans and Thinspiration quotes. I got off the scale for 6 months (and now, only occasionally and not more than once or twice a week). I started following plus size fashion bloggers, and bought clothes that were fashionable *right now*, not putting them on a wishlist for when I lose 2 sizes. I started to deliberately work on my self-esteem and body image, and I accepted the fact that I'd gained 40 pounds from my lowest weight post-surgery and that didn't make me a terrible person.

Now, in 2015, I still have hard days. When I got married, I worried about how my arms looked in my dress. I am still fat, I didn't Margaret Cho/Jeanene Garofolo it and end up thin.

What I have gotten from this? Most days I feel cute, and I actually believe my husband when he tells me that he is attracted to me. I have lost 20 pounds. I eat my feelings much less, because I no longer follow the pattern of deprive and treat. Not diabetic, not even pre-diabetic (I have PCOS which causes insulin resistance and family history). I like myself more, and I worry about what people think less. Still need a lot of work on that last one.

So, why am I sharing this? Because it is my blog and I wanted to talk about it. Also, I have internet and real life friends who spend their lives in this cycle, and I wish they didn't. When I was in the depths of self-loathing because of the way I looked-- I searched out body positive blogs and found corners of the internet where I found fat women who were proud of themselves and their flabby arms and it gave me hope.

Keep on dieting, if that works for you. Reach whatever goals you want, and try to find the healthiest way to get there and the weight you feel comfortable. I can't say to *everyone*, stop dieting! stop the madness! But if you're like me? Which a lot of women are... just remember that you can actually live a life where you don't obsess about the french dip you ate at that BBQ. Was it a tablespoon? Teaspoon?. There is life beyond that obsessive nightmare, and I hope you get there.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Happiest of Days!

Hooray! I am *so* happy today. It is hard for me to sit quietly at my desk. This is a time to celebrate. 

FINALLY. Marriage equality for all in our country. 

Friday, June 12, 2015

Way back. I mean, way back, in 2000 I discovered a website called mydeardiary.com. I think you can guess what you did there. Similar to Livejournal, it was a place where you could add friends, have public and private posts, and in general talk about yourself a lot. I was hooked, and  moved over to Livejournal -- with brief periods of time writing at Xanga and Blurty, and started this blog in 2006 or some nonsense.

I miss the internet pre-Facebook. Pre-myspace if you want to get technical.

Facebook is too big, you have to worry about offending your conservative Great Aunt's step-sister and do NOT get me started on the farce that is "top stories" on the news feed. It really makes me twitchy.

Tumblr could possibly serve my need for online community and a place to share my little thoughts and pictures of cats...but it feels like the days of a blogging community is about over. This is sad.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

It is that time...

Wilson Wedding 4/12/2015 (click here for the rest)

Wedding pictures. There are a lot...and this is edited from over a thousand. They are pretty!

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. It was really more than I'd hoped for. Everything looked beautiful, minimal problems, our guests and family were amazing. I felt so loved and so overwhelmingly happy that people were there to celebrate our marriage.

What more can I say? I'm a lucky gal.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

A month to go

According to my wedding website, there are 35 more days until my wedding.

Hence, the reason this blog has been so quiet. 

I am excited to get married, and thanks to the help of my mom and soon to be mother-in-law, things have been *much* smoother than I anticipated. Only three anxiety dreams, guys!

Some words of advice to those who just got engaged:

The wedding industry is huge and it knows what its doing. Yes, I got my invites and various things from etsy and shunned burlap and mason jars because they are too trendy...but I utilized David's Bridal and Men's Warehouse. I chose a venue that does the ceremony and reception, food, cake, DJ and officiant. Ya know why? That means I don't have to find, wrangle, play phone tag and stress about each of those things. Instead, I go to a couple meetings and answer some questions via email. This is their job, this is the place they always perform these things, it'll be just fine. It gives me more time to decide what love poems I'm going to use for my tables, and pinterest 3 trillion hair styles.

Unless you have a destination wedding or do a wedding at a crazy place, its not going to be that unique. You can choose your colors and do adorable nerdy invites--but at the end of the day weddings are parties with fancy dress, flowers and chicken and fish. It really isn't something to give yourself an ulcer over. Breathe, and think about the honeymoon. :)

Speaking of, we're going here and I cannot wait. This will be our first out of country/more than a weekend vacation together. Yay for fruity drinks and the Tulum ruins.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Word of the Year 2015.

Internet, it is almost 2015.

In my world, it is the time I pick out my word of the year. I enjoy finding words. Spending way too much time at Thesaurus.com and trying to whittle the ideas down to one concise word. At one point, I was pretty sure it was compassion, then discover, but I finally found one that clicked. 

My word for 2015 is: 

This word works for me in two ways. First, I love to start projects and not finish them. I did 100happydays on Instagram and I think I made it to 45? I've finished probably 2 of the 7 National Blog Posting Month's that I've participated in, and I've never completed a NaNoWriMo as much as my heart was filled with good intentions at the beginning. I've always known this about myself, but haven't felt a strong desire to work on it until now. I'm 29, I need to complete the things that are really important to me. Secondly, I want to Feel Complete. This doesn't mean I have to check off every box on my life To-Do list, it means making choices from a place where I know I am where I'm supposed to be and that things are as they should be. I want to remember that I'm already complete. 

A really great short piece I found while writing this is here: Tiny Wisdom.

I hope that 2015 is a great year for you all.